It's just 27 years into my life. Started this entry at 10.30pm. I know I'll take a long time to complete this. Mainly because I'm in a mess and hopefully can sort things out.
As years past, I'm no longer looking forward to this day. In fact, I fear this day. Not because of aging but the possibility that negative or bad things happening increases. Especially to the people around me. Especially my close ones. The fear gets so strong that it overwhelms me. So much so that I feel suffocated. So strong that I feel my wave of depression threatens to crash onto me again.
I just want to sleep and sleep. But even during sleep, I fear. Cos days passes as we sleep. Nowadays, I can't sleep in silence. I need at least the radio on. In silence, my mind will roam uncontrollably and I will be engulfed by fear again. No amount of assurance will help. Many a time, I tried to free my mind but never once succeed. Maybe I'm just too afraid to lose anyone around me. Especially my family. And buddies. And losing myself when the day comes.
This is a very heavy thought. Especially on this day. But this is one thing that will happen someday. And that's what scares me. I know I will not have the strength to carry on when that day comes. And I hate being unable to prevent it from happening. But it's just the life cycle that we all have to go through. I know this but just can't come to terms with it.
And the work life is not helping. I still have not resolved the problem on my leave for my Taiwan trip. And motivation level is definitely at the lowest now.
Everyone says we get 3 wishes on our birthday. 2 Of which we must announce and 1 of which we must keep a secret.
1) May the leave for my Taiwan trip be approved and for me to go on it.
2) May I find the next good job successfully.
3) ........
'Time to Let Go' from http://stickgal.blogspot.com/
And may all my wishes come true.
Happy Birthday to me...
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